Camp is humming along. Summer is cooking. And in the run of play, a staff member comes to you and asks for feedback on their performance. They want to know what they could be doing better. Great!

This is the moment camp directors always say they want. And they believe it when they say it.

Wrote a while back about the complaint that comes up most from camp staff. They never get any feedback.

So when one of them walks up and asks for it directly, you, of course, oblige. Sit them down. Name what needs to improve. And you’re proud of yourself for finally doing the thing they kept telling you they wanted.

And the 19-year-old in front of you begins to fall apart.

A day or two later, you’re hearing they might want to go home early.

The Feedback Trap

This is the trap that comes up at camp after camp. The staff member asks. You answer. The staff crumbles. The director feels worse than they did before they started.

So feedback stops. Which puts us right back where we started.

The crumble begins well before the feedback even comes out of your mouth. It begins because of the conversation that didn’t happen first.

Here is the version of the feedback conversation that creates the crumble. The director sits down and gets to the point quickly because camp is busy.

Hey, I noticed you’ve been late to flagpole twice this week. We need that to stop. How can I support you?

That last sentence is the giveaway. The intent is supportive. But to the staff member, it lands as the close of a meeting where they never got to say a word about how they are actually doing.

The staff member walks out feeling more managed than seen.

The person receiving feedback does not feel respected without the personal connection coming first. Even if they asked for the feedback. Especially if they asked for the feedback.

The Four Steps For Feedback

The sequence that works for any conversation where feedback needs to happen. Same shape every time.

Check-in. How are you doing this week? Make this a real question. Wait for the answer.

Self-reflection. What’s going well? Where are you feeling stuck? Get them naming their own experience before you name it for them.

These first two are the sauce. If you have 15 minutes, ten of them belong here. If you have an hour, give 40 minutes to these two. The feedback lands when the staff member already feels seen.

Exploration. Have you thought about trying it this way? This is where the actual feedback goes. It is shorter than you think.

Wrap-up. Here is what you are going to do. What do you need from me to make that happen?

That last question only lands if you earned it in the first two steps. Bolt it onto the end of feedback, and it sounds backhanded. The staff member hears it as now you do the work and I will pretend to help.

Maya Angelou had this (and a lot of other things) right. They will not remember what you said. They will remember how you made them feel.

Slow the first ten minutes down. The rest of the meeting takes care of itself.

No more crumbling. No more quitting.

Sincerely,
Dan Weir

Senior Consultant at Immersive1st

dan@immersive1st.com